It’s been five months of constant communication and I’m falling for you, I mean I’ve been falling for you for years. If you’ve read my blog called pROBlematic, you know who I’m referring to. The charmer, the mysterious one, the guy that’s looks good on paper; all the attributes a woman could ever want or need. But… the one time we were finally single, we just weren’t on the same page. I kept going over and over in my mind as to why this had come to be. I needed a sign, but the sign was right in front of me. You gave me answers with your words and your actions, but I continuously wanted to ignore them. I woke up every morning, like “yup, today is the day he’s going to fall in love with me!” But then I realized that was the farthest from the truth. Conversations are amazing with him, his voice calms me when I’m in the middle of the storm. His presence soothes the uneasiness of my anxiety. Everything I could ask for right in front of my face, but yet so far.
I try to respect the fact that you are jaded. I try to respect the fact that you want to move and chase your dreams. But at the end of the day, I want you and it’s a hard pill to swallow right now, that we can’t be together. I have lived a life where I’ve always waited on someone or just looked at the potential of what could be, what WE could be. Caught up in this world wind of thinking it’s something that it really isn’t. Getting advice from friends to leave you alone, but turning the other cheek. At night I would go home and toss and turn trying to figure out whether to put you in the friend zone and open my heart up to others. This was a battle that I continued to lose because I didn’t want to face the fact that none of this would work out.
I knew that I had to have a conversation with him and get an understanding of what was really going on in his mind, so that I could make a decision about all of this. I would talk to other men and feel guilty that it wasn’t HIM! At the end of the night I would go home and only want to talk to HIM. This was a feeling that I didn’t want to feel, but my feelings for him just always came to the surface some way, some how. I was so scared to have a conversation with him about it because I knew I was going to be uncomfortable, I was going to have to confront my own demons, and ultimately make a decision.
We linked up at this Pho spot near Uptown. It was a nice day out. The Sun was shining. Our vibes were good. And finally, I ripped the band-aid off and got to the point. I let him know that there was someone else trying to pursue me and I wanted to see where his head was at when it came to me. I needed to know what was up, hell, at this point I deserved to know what was up. When he opened his mouth I expected to hear something along the lines of we were dating, but I got the magical words of “you are free to do what you want.” I knew there would never be an us. I essentially got placed in the friend zone. I appreciated the honesty, but damn did it hurt. I didn’t condemn him for not wanting to see where things could go, but your girl hoped for something more.
When I finally got home, this overwhelming feeling came over me of being mad at my ex, hell… being mad at every dude that I had ever encountered in my life. Frustrated at the time I wasted, frustrated that I essentially didn’t get what I “wanted.” That’s when I took a step back and realized that everything happens for a reason and in it’s own timing. This was something that I most likely didn’t even need at the time. Yes, he was everything and more on paper, but why would I want to subject myself to someone that was jaded and still healing from their own past relationship traumas? No one wants to take on all that baggage. My Confidently Awkward Peeps, I don’t want you all to think I’m calling him out. Whether it was being rejected or him speaking out his truth, no one was wrong in this situation. If anything this was the healthiest thing two individuals could possibly do for one another, and that is be honest and up front with their feelings.
Later that day, I sent him a message, thanking him for the gift and having the awkward conversation with me and I politely ended it with “thanks FRIEND!” I wanted to make sure he knew that there was no love lost and I was okay with being put in the friend zone. I appreciated him as a friend more than ever, I valued his opinion, and I knew he would be there for me when I needed him. And that is exactly the man he has been to me still til this day. Yes, we still hangout and shoot the breeze. I literally talk to him about everything. Even some of my dating issues. At times it’s kind of weird for me and him, but we’ve learned to navigate through our friendship and still be cool!
I hope the lightbulb goes off for you my Confidently Awkward Peeps, when it comes to having these hard conversations. It’s not as hard as you may think or feel. It just takes two people to meet in the middle. If you care about someone, no matter how that may look, be honest with yourself and them. What’s the worst that could happen? Being put in the friend zone? Maybe! But I’d rather have that person as a friend, than nothing at all! If we can’t be together, we can at least be friends!
This is a safe, fun, and nonjudgmental space… use it for those purposes! But until next time Peeps continue to be CONFIDENTLY AWKWARD… UNAPOLOGETICALLY that is!!!
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