I Hate It Here

All I’m saying is don’t have sex with someone that doesn’t want a relationship and don’t think you can be friends with said individual after y’all have done the deed. I am laying here on my couch wallowing in my sorrows. I’m having relationship problems and my ass ain’t even in a damn relationship. I hate it here! Someone come save me from this damn depression! All I want to do is call him, text him new music I found, and just mainly talk shit like we would normally do. I could reach out, but my pride won’t let me and honestly at this point there’s no turning back. Don’t you hate it ladies when you make a grown ass decision and then you just want that old thing back? I am slowly becoming a hermit and don’t want to be bothered by humans right now. And this is why I’m talking to you my Confidently Awkward Peeps.

I keep asking myself “when are you going to cry?” And the tears just won’t come. Like I lost a friend if anything. Like fuck the other stuff, I’m grieving hard right now. I don’t let a lot of people in my circle, so this is a hard pill to swallow. I want to be done going through the motions about this situation. I wonder how long it’s going to take this time?! I’m really done learning these lessons. I’m so damn tired of it all. If this blog feels in anyway choppy, it’s because you are getting the raw and uncut version of my feelings in this moment. These wounds are open and haven’t even begun to heal. I’m literally crying out for help from the universe to get me out of this damn rut! 

They say it takes 21 days to break a habit and I’m slowly but surely headed in that direction. It’s so hard when you develop strong feelings for someone and then make the conscious decision to never speak to them again. In the short-run it hurts like hell, but in the long-run you are saving yourself years of someone being uncertain about you. If anything, that’s the one thing that I am happy about. I don’t have to subject myself to that toxicity. Im not sure if he’ll ever read this, but I would hope one day he would understand and if not, that’s fine. This is my truth and when you’ve had time to clear your mind and look at shit for what it is, you see a lot of things you never saw before. I overextended myself and overall I’m over doing that shit for a man that is okay with giving me 20% and it’s up to us as women, to not allow that as a contender for relationships and friendships. Take it from me, I’ve been there and done that.

I’m glad I could check-in with y’all. Having this as an outlet is everything to me. I had a conversation with my friend a week ago and she made an observation about the men that I have dated since my first relationship. She noticed that although the men I have dealt with have been somewhat toxic, every time I have encounter a new man that person has been better than the last; I’ve essentially elevated every time. And you know what, her stating that to me, made me feel like giving myself a pat on the back. It also gave me hope that my person would be right around the corner and for now I must BE STILL. I say I hate it here, but I really love it here. I love what I am becoming in the process and it’s beautiful. I ask that all my Confidently Awkward Peeps send me all the good vibes, love, and energy that you can. Alright I’m going to sign off before I spiral and send that “what you doin” text. Love y’all!

This is a safe, fun, and nonjudgmental space… use it for those purposes! LIKE, COMMENT, SUBSCRIBE, and SHARE! If you would like to reach out to me, my email is theconfidentlyawkward@gmail.com. But until next time Peeps continue to be CONFIDENTLY AWKWARD… UNAPOLOGETICALLY that is!!!

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