Drowning

The day was June 13, 2018… 12:15 pm.

I saw a woman lay there, her lifeless body just ready to go to the other side, but I didn’t want her to go. She was mine, she was yours, she was ours! How could someone who meant the world to me, succumb to this?! Two years ago, she was the healthiest human being I had known. I wasn’t ready for this transition, but as her body lay there, lifeless in the comfort of her own home, I began to understand that it wasn’t for me to know why, when, or how. But to just know she wouldn’t be suffering anymore and that she was off to a better place!

In the weeks prior to this beautiful soul passing… someone posed the question to me, ” How would you feel if she died?” And at first it kind of threw me off guard because first of all who asks such an insensitive question, second of all…through a text message, and third of all why would I want to think of death?! I knew this question wasn’t coming from a bad place, but damn did it hit my heart hard. This question was something that was never brought to the table and something that wasn’t even an option in my mind… she was going to live! Live to see her grand-babies get older, live to see me get married, live to see me have my own children! But as the days went on, I slowly began to see that this dream was slowly slipping away from me.

On June 20, 2018… I had the pleasure of sending this woman home and this was my letter to her.

Where do I begin…

I woke up this morning feeling so overwhelmed with emotion and just started crying… I began to think about the last conversations, the last touch, the last I love you I told her and I just cried out and said Mom I miss you, Mom I just want a hug from you. Over the past week I’ve found comfort in just talking out loud to my mom, asking her to watch over me and my brothers and give my dad comfort to get through the days ahead.

What I remember most about my mom is how much she loved her family and most importantly her children. Growing up I heard stories about how I was attached to my mother’s hip, and how my cousins would try to torment me, but couldn’t get near me because my mom would say “leave that girl alone”. My mom was very fun, loving, caring, compassionate, and strong! Oh boy was she strong beyond belief… as I got older, my teenage years, I didn’t realize how much my mother did for me, for us! Holidays, birthdays, celebrations… were always a big thing at the Walker’s home. My mom didn’t care who you were, as soon as you walked in the door you were greeted by a hello, how are you… make sure you take them shoes off. You could always count on her to have somethin cookin in the kitchen and the oldies goin on in the background.

My mother made our home feel like a home away from home for those that came to visit: family, friends, friends of friends, the neighbor… everyone was welcomed! And you never forget that, you may forget what someone said, but you can never forget how they made you feel! Seeing all these faces in this room… I know my mom touched each and everyone’s heart and that will never go away. I always would have conversations with my dad about Mom and at the end of the conversation he would say, “But Britt your mother loves you, we love our kids, we would do anything for you all!”

When my mom was diagnosed with cancer it didn’t hit me right away. You hear people talk about it, but you never fully understand it. During the time my mom was starting chemo, I would talk to her and she would express to me how she didn’t wanna lose her hair and I just explained to her that she is still going to be beautiful, and that it would grow back… it’s crazy how we are shaped to think that our hair defines us, but I continued to comfort her. One day she called me over and wanted me to shave her hair. This was a very intimate moment that I had with my mom and I am so grateful that I was able to be there for her.

Months later my mom called me and she wasn’t explaining to me what was going on, I got frustrated and upset and told her to tell me what was going on but she wanted to tell me in person. In my heart I already knew… I wasn’t mad at her, but mad at it. She told me the cancer came back. All I could do was yell out and cry in my mother’s arm. She spoke to me like always… “it’s going to be okay bae, I’m going to get through this” and I rest assured in those words. I began to come over to the house almost everyday, calling and checking on her.

There was one day in particular… it was a tuesday, I felt like it was one of the hardest days of my life. I came over to the house to check on my mom. I sat in the bed with her. She was so sad that day… I’m like Mom what’s wrong, and she just shook her head. She said, “ I wish you could just stay with me” I told her that I would be back after work and then I just laid with her for a few minutes. I asked her what she was thinking and she stated…”you don’t wanna know”. I began to speak positive thoughts to her and reassured her everything would be okay!

Leading up to the passing of my mother, I could physically see her change and I didn’t know how to react, but to be there for her. I often would just go into her room and lay with her. One particular time I cried out and said Mom I’m scared… she said I know bae, she said I’ll be here when you get back. And we said our I love you’s… when I came back she was talking less and less. I went in the room and laid with her again and asked her if I was going to be okay. She said yeah… I said mom I’m going to go home and in true mommy mode, she said be careful. I hold these moments so close to my heart and will never let them go.

In the days after my mother’s passing… I became scared to go home, but she began to visit me in my dreams… one dream she looked like her normal self, make up, a flowy dress, she was like a giant to me…she told me that I must keep the family together, continue to celebrate birthdays and holidays. And I just politely nodded and smiled. Another dream I had, my mom was picking me up and we were riding off into the sunset and she was talking to me and smiling, she wasn’t saying goodbye, but more so see you later.

I guess you guys are wondering why I called this one drowning?! Well let me give you some insight into my blog writing process. I literally write this the day I’m going to publish it. There is no rhyme or reason, there’s no, me talking to others hoping to get some information or material for my blog. I just get inspired, something comes to me and I just write. I’m literally writing this at 11:32AM because I just couldn’t hold these thoughts in, by the time you see this it’ll be close to 10:30PM.

This morning I had a dream about my mom and it scared the shit out of me. I felt like I was half sleep and half awake. My mom was floating like an angel, and lead me up some stairs to where I just laid with her. Tried to kiss her, but she started to disappear. I touched her face and just started saying “thank you” and she politely responded “my kids are going to be okay”. As I woke up it literally felt like I was almost to the point of DROWNING! Before I knew it, I was catching my breath and when I woke up I was panicking because it felt so real and almost felt like I had entered another dimension or universe! And then I began to cry. Cry from the fact that I felt my moms spirit, crying from the fact that I could not actually touch her, and crying from the fact that I miss her so much.

With my mother no longer being here, at times it feels like I’m drowning in tears, sorrow, anger; every emotion you can think of. But at that point where I think I’m about to slip off in the distance, my mother comes and I am blessed with her presence in some way. That’s why I cherish my friendships and relationships and want to give all of my love to someone. Life is so short to live with regrets and not give someone or something your all. I wanna love hard and if that means my heart might get broken… well then so be it. I’m living with no regrets. If you ever feel like you’re drowning, just remember the essence of who you are and be that!!! WHOLEHEARTEDLY!!!

Please comment and share. This is a safe, fun, and nonjudgmental space… use it for those purposes!

But until next time continue to be CONFIDENTLY AWKWARD… UNAPOLOGETICALLY that is!!!

-xoxo

611 thoughts on “Drowning”

  1. Thank you for sharing Britt. That was really moving, seeing and being with your mom. I know she’s there watching you and being with you and the family throughout. You are so strong. Keep flourishing and growing into the beautiful woman you’re becoming. And You’re definitely right, live and let live.

  2. Your mom is proud of you Britt and she always will be. I think about her a lot. One day I’ll come by the house, right now I can’t…I’ll expect her to be in the kitchen, sitting in the front room watching TV or coming up or down the stairs. My thoughts & prayers are with you all. Keep doing what you’re doing…being you <3

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