He Was Ready to Give Me The World

He was ready to give me the world, but I couldn’t receive it… I didn’t want it, it wasn’t for me anymore. I’m assuming you all are wondering who is it this time? It’s not rocket science peeps. Ask yourself, who would ever come back into your life and tell you that they would give you the world? I’ll give you a few seconds to think about it. Was that enough time? Good! An EX would be the type to come back into your life and tell you they would give you the world! It sounds amazing until you get to those parts where you’ve matured, but they haven’t or the love you once had for that person is long gone. No matter how much this person begs and pleads for that seven year love back, it cannot be obtained. This is how that cracked door got fully opened… please come take a walk with me.

As some of you may know my birthday month is always filled with surprises, amazing gifts, and spoiling myself. One of those surprises was my ex hitting me up in my DM wishing me a Happy 30th Birthday. I was really appreciative that he reached out and blown away by the fact that he still remembered my birthday. The conversation was very innocent and we caught up on how one another was doing these past few years. I thought nothing of this interaction, until it came to “hey you still got my number? Why don’t you just text me!” Of course I took him up on that offer and the texting and phone calls began. I found myself stalking his page for a few days, found that he really hadn’t been up to much, saw one female posted, but she was a ratchet, so it didn’t phase me. And yes I had to add that in there, I hope you got a little chuckle out of that because I did. The days went on and things seemed to be going pretty good, so he invites me over to a family gathering. I was a little skeptical about the whole situation because I didn’t want his family to be mean to me or think that we were back together, which was far from ever happening. Of course I mustered up enough energy and went over there, not expecting too much. As we began talking, things were very normal and there were a lot of good vibes. I ended up having a few drinks and falling asleep on the couch, got up in the morning and went home. I could tell he didn’t want me to leave, but I honestly didn’t want him to get the wrong idea.

The next weekend we hungout again and this time we spent all day together. I would say catching up some more and celebrating my birthday month. We had a bonfire, a few, drinks, and good conversation about love, loss, and the future. He started saying things like “I’m sorry about what happened, I’ve matured” and “I love you.” Now I don’t know about y’all, but when someone tells you that they love you, do you feel the pressure of saying it back? Well me being the Cancer that I am, I felt like I had to say it back, so I did in hopes that I would feel a little bit of something. Needless to say… I didn’t. He was saying all the right things, paying for everything, and telling me that he would take care of me. I swear these are all the things that a woman wants to hear and fell, but for some reason I could not receive his love anymore. That’s when I knew that chapter in my life was officially closed.

Another week went by and we hungout again, but this time on my side of town. We walked around the park and eventually got something to eat, but things started to go downhill and I could see the old person rearing it’s head. We started arguing about who would go inside and get the food we ordered and I began to pick up on little mannerisms that reminded me of the old him. I didn’t like what I was seeing and what I was feeling. Ladies one piece of advice that I want to give you is to listen to your body. If it doesn’t feel right physically or in your soul, don’t do it and/or be around that energy. My body began to reject this person and I knew why, but once again I was trying to hold on to all the possibilities. The crazy thing about this situation is there was someone else that I couldn’t get off of my mind. Someone that you all have read about in my blogs, someone who torments every part of my being at the moment. My mind was a cluster fuck, but I continued on with the situation because I was still figuring out how I felt about everything.

The next negative situation that popped up was when I tried to have a conversation with him about my feelings and that I wasn’t trying to be in a relationship. He was sending me text messages about missing me and using “our” statements. When I addressed it with him, I got that old guy back again and didn’t like it. Anyone who has to put you down, to make themselves look better is a coward ladies. To be honest I think he thought I was that teenage girl from back in the day that wouldn’t speak up for herself. I had to let him know that I’m a grown ass woman and I will be respected and if you can’t respect me there is the door. But once again I was in that space where my body was rejecting this person and I could not deal with any interaction that I had with him. It all felt wrong and I did not want to play with his feelings because ladies, men do have feelings. I did not want to manipulate him because I knew he would give me the world and do anything I asked, but with a love long gone, all the pieces were broken and lost. None of them could be put back together. I don’t know if that was a good thing or bad thing. I go back and forth in my head about it all.

Over the past few years I’ve been learning a lot about myself and where I’m at when it comes to individuals in my life. I’ve experienced a lot over the years and I know what I want and don’t want. I do want to have someone in my life that loves just as hard as I do, but it should not come with a price! And let me tell you, that price with my ex was way too high. I don’t want years of unhappiness or bickering. I want to be happy and I deserve to be happy by any means necessary. I no longer will apologize for putting myself first because for so many years I have put myself second, maybe even third. I know what I want and will be patient and wait for that to come around, until then, I can do bad all by myself!

And yes every once in a while I will catch my ex snooping on my page or trying to figure out some way to creep back into my life. But y’all your ex is an ex for a reason and just leave it at that! No love lost, but love don’t live here anymore… well at least for my EX!

This is a safe, fun, and nonjudgmental space… use it for those purposes! But until next time Peeps continue to be CONFIDENTLY AWKWARD… UNAPOLOGETICALLY that is!!!