I Blocked Them All!!!

I had a conversation with God today…

As I let the water run over every inch of my body, music playing in the background, I began to speak out loud. I spoke about my worries, what I wanted and did not want for myself, and also asking for forgiveness. Asking for forgiveness of all my transgressions, all of my growing pains, and those yet to come. Crying out for the love that I want and deserve for myself. Making a vow to Him and myself, that I will no longer be this person to them!

The main words that kept repeating themselves were FLESH and BLOCK! Very interesting words right… but please follow along because they meant/ mean so much to me in this moment in time. Over and over again I kept saying “my flesh is weak, I don’t want to be like this anymore.” The control that my flesh has had over me ever since my seven year relationship, has been so ridiculous. In the sense of having urges and a need to feed my flesh. Obviously in the most responsible way, but I digress. My flesh was always calling me to do certain things and fulfill the needs of others. I was getting fulfilled, but at the expense of being aware of their own transgressions . Being aware that this was just a moment in time. Being aware that I was slowly being conditioned to play this “role” sort of speak.

In turn while fulfilling my flesh, I was blocking so many good things that were and are to come, by putting my energy into what was, even though I knew that those things would never and couldn’t be! What was I seeking?! A feeling, a sensation, was this some type of high?! Then I just decided to hit that block button on a few people. Tired of the revolving door, tired of the ongoing trauma, tired of letting someone think they had so much access to me!

I don’t feel as if any of this has anything to do with the love for myself, but has everything to do with this journey that I’m on. God/Universe continues to show me signs and keeps testing me. I guess if this was a class in school I would be failing right?! But I choose to say that I’m learning my lessons along the way and this will keep happening until I get it. The more and more I get it, the more and more I find myself smiling and lifting my head up higher than before. These moments of realization are near and dear to me and I don’t take them for granted not one bit. I cherish every moment and every feeling that comes with the things that I don’t want to face.

I guess you all are wondering where this revelation came from, what is the source? I don’t know if I’m ready to tell you all about that situation just yet. But one thing I will say is a man that I had loved ended up getting someone pregnant. Let’s just say all the signs were there and I chose to ignore them. Every time he said he didn’t want to be with me, I tried harder to get him to stay. Not realizing that it was pushing him closer to her. It was the ultimate betrayal, but I learned so much and I’m sure he did as well. When I’m ready to tell you, my confidently awkward peeps the whole story, trust me I won’t hold my tongue!

If I could leave you with one thing… that is to BLOCK the FLESH and BLOCK him/her/them! Just BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK. Don’t let these temporary moments have access to your energy and vibes. You are rare and should be treated as such! Love and light to you all on this amazing journey called life. Continue to find your purpose in this cold world, but don’t make it harden your heart. Be open, willing, and ready when someone comes along, but work towards healing! Healing is where it’s at peeps. I leave you all with these little gems because I am still trying to piece them all together myself. To relive some of those moments hurt me to the core, but the release is so worth it. Stick around and you will see it all unfold… I promise!

This is a safe, fun, and nonjudgmental space… use it for those purposes! But until next time Peeps continue to be CONFIDENTLY AWKWARD… UNAPOLOGETICALLY that is!!!