My Favorite Hello. My Hardest Goodbye.

It was a year and some change and I began to get stir crazy in our dynamic. Where I keep fucking up my Confidently Awkward Peeps, is actually thinking that the person I’m in like with is actually going to be with me! I mean that person liked me too, but it’s the same shit about not being ready for this and not being ready for that. Sidebar: there may be a few F bombs and S bombs in this blog because I am just fed up with myself and fed up with these men. Now I don’t want to chuck this up to men being scarce in Minnesota or the black men dating a specific race, but at times it gets hard not to fall back on those day old myths. I mean I’m partially to blame for certain mishaps in my relationships with others, but damn… I’m just a hopeless romantic that’s not technically looking for love, but a type of feeling! A feeling of security, consistency, and genuine effort.

Okay back to the situation at hand that I hope to never get myself into again. Well this person has made a few or more appearances in my blogs and out of every person that I dated, this man was the underlying current out of all of these situations. My heart wasn’t fully into the people I was dating because of him. I knew what it was from the jump, but subconsciously I was hoping that he could possibly change his mind. I’m going to be dramatic for a second and just state that I wish I never slept with him. I feel like it fucked everything up and essentially went back to old patterns that I was used to. But for some reason every time I was around him there was always something and how we met was so organic that I just had to get a little taste. I guess you could say a taste of the “forbidden fruit.”

I thought I could handle remaining friends although we crossed that line and y’all I was doing so well until one night I felt completely rejected. That night I didn’t get what I wanted, more so I felt like I didn’t get what I deserved. Sometimes the word “no” is a foreign language and just the fact that I seldom told him “no”, I was taken aback by it all. Ladies, when a man rejects your advances or efforts for a nightcap, where does your mind go?! I’ll give you a few seconds to marinate on that. Well my mind went to maybe you were tired from work or you’re fucking somebody else. Which I don’t have the right to judge or be in my feelings about it because he wasn’t my man and to be fair, I continued to do my own thing. But things just didn’t seem like they would ever go back to “normal” again. I felt like I had to make a decision about all of this because he was in a good spot. He got to pick and choose how he had me and I would act like I was okay with it, when deep down I knew something was going to have to give.

One night I was laying in my bed having a conversation with myself, having a conversation with God, having a conversation with the universe. I had this overwhelming feeling of wanting better for myself, knowing that I deserved more, and wanting more for myself. I was so tired of settling for mediocrity or subscribing to the ideology of what these men wanted. I found myself being convinced by this man that I didn’t want a relationship, but knowing damn well I wanted a relationship. Not in the sense of calling someone my man, but in the sense of having a partner in crime, someone to do life with. Nothing of what I’ve been doing has worked for me, so why spend two more years in limbo with somebody that is not sure about me and not ready. The most profound thing my friend said to this person was “Brittani is ready for a relationship, she just needs someone that can be consistent in her life!” The power in my friends words continued to ring in my ear and I will hold on to those words for dear life!

So after some self reflection and a little bit of crying because although this was something I needed to do, I didn’t want to do it. I was scared, but I knew I didn’t have the capacity to be his friend. I was over feeling how I felt. I called him and had a six minute conversation. I felt misunderstood and he didn’t see it at all from my vantage point, but it was more so about him; it all felt selfish. And that’s kind of how I was slowly feeling interacting with him. I got off the phone and felt really sad, but relieved. Relieved that I didn’t have to be worried about if he would ever choose me, relieved that I didn’t have to think about him with someone else, relieved that I could free up my heart to be open to someone else. I’m not going to lie there is a grieving period with this because we had built something and I spoke to this man everyday, it’s all sad, but I will be okay. One thing about me my Confidently Awkward Peeps, I always bounce back better than ever.

It’s always love, but we have to take care of ourselves, be loyal to ourselves, and make sure we do what feels good to us at all times. I’ve made it an appoint to listen to my body and to feel what I feel and not doubt the decisions and moves that I make. I hope this blog gives you the courage to say “no” to the fuck shit and say “yes” to staying true to you because in the end you have to go home and look yourself in the mirror and have to be happy with what you see. I’ve been happier lately and it shows!

This is a safe, fun, and nonjudgmental space… use it for those purposes! LIKE, COMMENT, SUBSCRIBE, and SHARE! If you would like to reach out to me, my email is theconfidentlyawkward@gmail.com. But until next time Peeps continue to be CONFIDENTLY AWKWARD… UNAPOLOGETICALLY that is!!!