Numero Dos (#2)

Oh hey there my confidently awkward peeps… did you miss me?!  Well I missed you too!  I’ve been on this journey of discovery or lack thereof, since the last time we spoke.  But all in all things have been what they are.  I guess you could say 2 steps forward just to take three steps back, but hey that’s life.  Before I get into my mini rant, vent session, blasting a MF’er, getting some shit off my chest…

I would like for you all to take a deep breath in and deep breath out.

Deep breath in, deep breath out

Deep breath in, deep breath out

I appreciate you taking 5 seconds out of your day to do that with…now we can start the show!

So the title of this blog is called number 2.  I wish in many ways it could be called number 1, but that’s just too much like right and hey what’s wrong with being number 2?  A whole damn lot is wrong with being number 2!  No one likes coming in second!  You get the old “better luck next time” or “good job, you did your best, there’s always next year!”  But no one ever says these types of phrases when you find yourself in a “relationship” and you find out you are number 2.  Okay, okay… yes take a minute to let that marinate in your soul.  Yup, this is exactly where I’m going with this blog.  Juicy enough for you yet?!  I didn’t think so, I guess I have to paint a picture, well hell I’ll just paint the scene for you, since I was the main character of this play!

It was your normal Thursday afternoon.  Love was in the air (so I thought), passionate kisses and conversation, and the anticipation of the night never coming to an end.  But that’s when I saw it… reached for my phone on the side of the bed next to yours.  *Disclaimer:  I have never been the type of woman to check phones or text messages, it’s just not in my DNA.  I’m a true believer in the truth will come to the light*  On this day it was different, phone wasn’t upright, there it was in my face.  I grabbed my phone and before I knew it, I saw your phone with the name “Wife” showing as an incoming call (mind you this young man is not married, but whoever “Wife” is/was, this person must have been very special to him).  Every woman reading this, please take a minute and think about what you would have done:

a) Grabbed the phone quietly, walked out of the room and answered the phone

b) Curse that man out right then and there and tell him to get the hell out of your house

c) Answer that phone right in front of him

Now take a minute and ask yourself what did I do?  My confidently awkward peeps… ya girl just froze.  I grabbed the phone and handed it to him.  I was shocked and literally looked at my phone to see if it was me calling him, but it absolutely was not.  He had no explanation at that moment,  he made it seem as if he was as shocked as I was.  I couldn’t believe this!  I couldn’t cry in that moment, I just couldn’t feel.  It just seemed like everything we built or were trying to build was a complete lie.  I had been deceived, I had been lied too… how fucking embarrassing right?  Hell yes!

And I know what you are thinking.  The signs were there.  The only coming over on certain nights, only answering or responding to text messages at a certain time.  The last couple of months, I had been catching on. But I was trying to be that girlfriend that didn’t cause problems, didn’t want to rock the boat, or start unnecessary drama.  So I stayed silent. Held on to every last word he ever said to me about doing better.  “Yeah we are going to go on that trip, look into flights.”  It was always something.  I hate pointing the finger, but fuck that.  I’m an understanding and honest person… for the most part.  This was somewhat heartbreaking, but that’s life!

I’m not here to shame this person or point the finger because I feel like we have all been somebody’s “number 2” or “filler”.  It’s just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes until you meet your person.  I’m not a saint… when I was going through the “what are we phase” I had a number 2 and/or a filler.  *Disclaimer:  Just because someone has a number 2 or filler doesn’t mean that person has to be sexual with that person!*  It was hard to keep up with that lifestyle and posed the question of: can people truly be monogamous? Which is another topic that I don’t feel like tackling today, but will some time in the future!

One little gem that I want to leave on your heart tonight is that I pride myself on being happy.  It’s a rule for me and/or my partner that if there is ever any point where you feel unhappy, you must let that other person know.  There should not be this thing of I’m just going to go out here and get a little taste of something and I know that my “main girl” who happens to be “number 2”, will always be there. NO! NO! NO! FUCK NO!  The grass isn’t always greener on the other side and sometimes people need to find that out on their own.  No I’m not waiting another month, year, or decade for you to get your shit together.  And that’s when the realization sets in that people are in your life for a reason and a season!  Shout out to the number 2’s… may you drop that loser and be someone’s number 1!

I just had a whole therapy session with y’all and that shit felt good, it was scary, but that shit felt good!  If you would like to vent to me or share your own experiences, please don’t hesitate to comment or give feedback.  I can’t believe I told y’all all this, but I know I’m safe with y’all… hopefully I’ll write to y’all next week! xoxo

 

This is a safe, fun, and nonjudgmental space… use it for those purposes!

But until next time peeps continue to be CONFIDENTLY AWKWARD… UNAPOLOGETICALLY that is!!!