Sex before marriage…?!

Growing up my parents were the type that never talked about sex. Sex was an anomaly… if they never got asked about it, they never talked about it. And honestly that was less sweat off of my back because honestly having a conversation about the birds and the bees, was one of the most awkward things that I could think of talking to my parents about. Going up to your mom like “hey mom, I’m thinking about sex a lot, what do I do? Who buys the condom? Oh wait until I’m married? You sure about that… that seems hard!” These are many things amongst others that goes through a young adolescents mind and for me that stayed there, until I was actually able to form the right thoughts around sex and marriage.

So y’all we are about to get super close in this blog, so grab some popcorn and just sit with me and vibe out for a while! The day was June 20th, 2009… I was just 1 month shy of my 20th birthday. I had snuck off from our family getaway about 40 minutes from the city. Of course I was going to link up with my boyfriend at the time. This was going to be the day! I had made him wait 2 WHOLE YEARS before ever having sex and for sure that day was going to be the day that all bets were off. Now before we get into this situation. I had finally formed my own opinions about sex and marriage. I told myself I was going to save myself for marriage!!! This was no pressure from my parents, to be honest this was an expectation that I had set for myself and I THOUGHT I was going to go through with it, but I had other plans that 20th day in June.

So at this point all I could think in my head was the fact that I had made this guy wait 2 WHOLE YEARS… would he start looking elsewhere to get his needs met? Was I not good enough? Did I trust this guy so much, as to give him something so sacred? These were all the things that were running through my mind all at once. And I was fortunate at the time, that I was dealing with a guy that wasn’t pressuring me into anything and just wanted to make sure I was comfortable! Needless to say I wasn’t that in tune with what everyone would say about your first time being horrible as hell, I was awkward, didn’t know what needed to go where, I couldn’t focus, and it just was all weird. I just went with the flow and did “it”! Lol. Not such a glamorous story, but honestly who’s first time really is?!

The days following this major life event, I felt like I lost something, but at the same time, felt a sense of empowerment because I made this grown ass decision and I hadn’t regretted it. For the first time I did something for me and didn’t harp on what it symbolized. In the words of Beyoncé, “I’m a grown woman, I can do whateva I want!” And I for damn sure did.

This past week I just randomly had a conversation with one of your favorites to the confidently awkward blog (my bestie) and I posed the question should one wait to have sex before marriage… and this question opened up the floodgates to an intense, but honest opinion on the matter.

Bestie… take it away and enlighten us!!!

If someone asked me if I believe in sex before marriage my answer would be Abso-fucking-lutely! Here’s why, I feel that sexual chemistry is a MUST in a serious relationship/marriage and a healthy relationship includes a healthy sex life. I won’t get in to stats about how many marriages fail due to unsatisfactory sex lives because that’s boring and pretty depressing. But we’ve all heard the stories about marriage lacking sexual intimacy for one reason or another.  Now clearly I am in NO way, super religious. I believe in God but I do not read the bible or go to church. Regardless of that fact, growing up I too thought I should wait until marriage. Until, I had the “talk” with my…. MOM! Now of course she told me to make sure I lost my virginity to someone special, to use protection and to preferably wait until I was done with high school. But, she did say, I SHOULD have sex before marriage because you have to know what you like before committing to one person.

Sex should be fun and satisfying for both parties involved. Now, how many of us women have experienced a sexual partner who was all about “getting theirs” and not about your satisfaction? How many of us, have faked orgasms just so it could be done? Could you imagine spending the rest of your life with that person? I sure can’t. I mean, I was in a serious, long-term relationship with someone who I HATED having sex with and it wasn’t until I started being intimate in my current relationship that I realized, I really was about to settle. Now by NO means am I a hoe and I am not saying go out and be promiscuous (unless you want to, do you girl)! I made my boyfriend wait months (he says it felt like forever) until we became intimate.

Funny story, he tried me on the first night. I mean, I don’t blame him we met out at a club and my friend did the damn thing with his friend and I’m sure he probably expected the same from me… BUT he was wrong. He spent literally every weekend for months, getting to know me and dating me, before we finally had sex and it was WORTH the wait. We both had so much anticipation and built up attraction, so it was pretty LIT! I learned what I liked and didn’t like from my last relationship and luckily enough I am in a pretty amazing relationship and have been free to express that. I would not have had any knowledge of my likes and dislikes if I never experienced them and had waited for marriage. And, just because you don’t wait until marriage does not make you a hoe! I hate that society portrays women as hoes for having sexual experiences and have a double standard for men (who have way more sexual experiences than we do)! I am by no means knocking anyone who waits for marriage, more power to you. I am just saying when you know better… you do better!

Give me a minute to catch my breath, my bestie always keeps it ALL THEE WAY REAL! And although she keeps it real, I want to challenge you all to possibly think a different way when it comes to sex before marriage! There was a time when I was getting to know this guy and it was strictly texting and phone calls. He mentioned to me that he was deep into his faith, was newly divorced, no kids, was going to school to get his masters; he was all around a good guy! So one day the topic in regards to sex came up and he stated that he had sex before, but this time he wanted to save this sacred act until after he was married. To be honest my confidently awkward peeps… I had never heard, better yet encountered a guy actually stating that he wanted to wait until after getting married to have sex. I was shocked, surprised, and wanted to know more as to why he wanted to wait!

He eventually asked me my thoughts on it and I wanted to be honest, but not too honest about the fact that I just got out of a long relationship, and I wanted to explore my sexuality, but damn this was a good man on paper… would he judge me for my over-sexualized phase that I was going through at the time? Needless to say I was upfront and honest. I respected his decision, but let him know it would be hard for me and it would be a challenge to wait to have sex. A challenge that in a sense I wanted to actually see if I could accomplish, but peeps I never got the opportunity to! This guy hit me with a long ass paragraph text message about this not working out and I responded to his message and my message was green! Those that have an iPhone know exactly what this means!!! When you are texting another person with an iPhone all of the messages are blue and generally when someone blocks you, those messages turn green when you try to send them! I was BLOCKED BLOCKED, not low key BLOCKED, but high key BLOCKED. No room to plead my case, just left with the feeling of not being good enough and questioning this sexual being I had become!

The next day I had to call my cousin! And she had a real ass conversation with me and just expressed that maybe I should put certain things into perspective and change my outlook on what sex before marriage looks like. She even gave me insight into her own journey of sex while dating, how long you should wait, and even talks about celibacy! I appreciated her intellect, but I sat in the fact that me and this guy were just on two different paths in our lives and that was okay. I felt judged by him in that moment, but wasn’t going to apologize for being honest and being upfront about how I truly felt about sex before marriage. When it comes down to it, if two people are dating, make sure that waiting to have sex isn’t a deal breaker for either one of you and don’t just assume that women want to wait, some men do as well, which comes as a surprise, but is pretty cool if you ask me! I feel as if sex can sometimes complicate a lot of relationships and this is where I pose the question to my confidently awkward peeps…

Can you wait to have sex before marriage? Would sex be deal breaker for you? Let’s get the conversation going in the comments, let me know what you think! I know some of y’all are opinionated, so let me know your thoughts!

Please comment and share. This is a safe, fun, and nonjudgmental space… use it for those purposes!

But until next time peeps continue to be CONFIDENTLY AWKWARD… UNAPOLOGETICALLY that is!!!

-xoxo