Hey my Confidently Awkward Peeps. I hope you all have been enjoying this journey that you have been on with me throughout the peeks and valleys of these blogs. The support doesn’t go unnoticed and I am so happy to hear from you all about how much you enjoy them! But sifting through the comments and feedback, there was one person in particular that I didn’t notice, had been noticing me… or shall I say peeping the blog. I had gotten compliments from him before, but another DM about how good I was doing had my mind wandering.
So let me back up a little bit. This guy was someone that I had known for a very long time. We got to know each other as co workers a long time ago. While I was going through spats of breaking up with my ex, we would link up and kick it. He’s a tall, caramel skin, intelligent, and mysterious man. His voice will put you in a trance and you would be under his spell in a moments notice. He can captivate a room if you let him. There would be moments in time where we would mess around and then stop talking. Either I was dealing with someone at the time or he would end up deleting me/ ghosting me for some petty reason. But somehow the universe always had me reconnect with him. This one time me and my friend went to a concert, thousands of people came to watch, and out of nowhere I see him. Then another time, I randomly went out with a friend for drinks and I look over at the bar and there he was. Things that you just can’t explain. This man was like my kryptonite.
So fast forward to this message in my DM. I tried to keep it light and on some business type vibes because I’m on this personal journey to focusing on myself, which I communicated with him. He continued to ask me questions, somewhat catching up, but then it lead to other conversations. As the very intense messages kept coming. I could feel a crack forming in my foundation. I didn’t want to crack under pressure and give in to his subtle hints, but he knew where to get me right where he wanted me… in the palm of his hands.
We continued to message each other throughout the day and then it spilled over into the next day, and the next day. Then finally he hits me with the “I’m about to come through!” My body starts to tense up and reject this statement. I’m like “no, that’s okay, I’m busy!” But then he follows up with the “I haven’t seen you in a while, nothings going to happen. I won’t even hug you.” So I agree. I compartmentalized the feelings that I once had for him and told myself that ‘I’m just meeting with a friend and nothing is going to happen.’
I go about my day as usual and let him know that I would hit him up as soon as I got home. A girl had to do some self-care and chill out before seeing this man. Ladies I know you can relate to feeling some type of anxiety when it’s someone you vibe with and are overly attracted to… it’s a mess! As the day goes by I start getting dressed for a prior engagement on that I had and I needed to look my best.
I get the notification that he’s downstairs. I take one more look in the mirror and suppress my feelings deep down inside my chest. I greet him at the door and we both start smiling at each other. It’s crazy how you don’t see someone for so long but it’s like y’all never stopped talking. I was super excited, happy, and nervous. Not sure what he was feeling, but I’m sure the feelings were mutual. We get into my apartment and this man had on a color coordinated track suit. Ladies, y’all know what I’m talking about. When I tell you this man can dress… he can dress! And on top of that he just got his hair cut and the cologne he had on was everything.
We sit down on the couch and start catching up. I had limited time to talk, so I had to get to the important stuff. He tells me I look nice, I reciprocate. We keep talking and things are good, until he tests all the thing I told him I was trying to focus on. Which was not getting distracted by him. He then proceeds to stand up in front of me. I ask him why he did this and he responds “I was uncomfortable.” And by uncomfortable, he meant that he needed to make certain adjustments with his body. I look up at him feeling more submissive than ever. I don’t know if you all ever pay attention to body language, but how two people are sitting says a lot! When he was sitting on the couch, we were at eye level, I could control my urges. When he stood up in front of me, I became submissive… I told him it was a game changer. I was so confused and rattled that I grabbed both of his hands. I needed support in that moment and he obliged.
I stood up and we were standing face to face. I felt like I was looking for some glimmer of him to touch me here, touch me there, but he was trying to respect the boundaries I had set. I asked for a hug and he denied me, which I know why, but still I wanted it. I wrapped my arms around his neck, breathing in his cologne and the moment because I didn’t know when or if it would happen again. He wrapped his arms around my waste and I melted into him. His hands went lower and lower until they couldn’t anymore. Our movements were so in sync, it was so organic, and the vibe was everything. It was a release for both of us. We needed each other in that moment.
Once we ended our embrace, we smiled and had an understanding that we would stay in contact… one creative to another. I had to rush and get myself together so I could go to this event. His cologne lingered on my dress. I was salty that I couldn’t get his scent off of me, but was happy it was there. He asked me if I made it safe and I replied, “yes.” That night I had a smile on my face, but knew it might come with a price. A price of uncertainty, questioning everything that I was trying to do in my life thus far, and a sense of betrayal. Betrayal to myself.
The next day I felt good and reassured myself that I was still on the right path to where I needed to go. I’m still figuring it all out and will continue to do so. This wasn’t a set back, but more so a set up for greater things to come. Whether it be personal or business, they all intertwine with some type of growth. I was happy to be in that moment and wouldn’t change a thing! The moment was awkward, but confident to say the least!
This is a safe, fun, and nonjudgmental space… use it for those purposes! LIKE, COMMENT, SUBSCRIBE, and SHARE! But until next time Peeps continue to be CONFIDENTLY AWKWARD… UNAPOLOGETICALLY that is!!!
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