If you know me, you know I am the queen of useless facts. So let’s start this off with a fun little historical fact: The very first presumed dick pic was actually a Roman mosaic from the second century found in a men’s latrine in Turkey. (Yep, you read that right. The first dick pic of all mankind was discovered in a dirty men’s bathroom. Given what I know about men, it checks out, but also….Eww, David.)
Anyways, let’s bring it back. To me, that fun little historical fact is definitive proof that men have been obsessed with their dicks for a long, LONG time. So now, here we are centuries later in the golden age of the internet, and dick pics are legitimately everywhere…and still just as disgusting as that very first dick pic from the men’s bathroom centuries ago.
Before I jump into my own personal theories about why men send dick pics, let me just take a moment to acknowledge this: I’m maybe not the best person to take a deep dive into the psyche of men. If I could understand why men do the things that they do, I probably wouldn’t be a single woman in her thirties who cares more about finding the best vibrator than finding the best man. But in my opinion, my decades of painstaking personal research have not gone to waste so let’s break it down.
Why do men send dick pics? Besides the fact that a ridiculous number of men are unjustifiably cocky as hell about their dicks (yes, pun-intended!), men are also visual creatures who would kill for some nudes from a woman they’re interested in. I’ll show you mine if you show me yours, right? Yeah, no. Spoiler alert: I’m more likely to show you mine if you don’t show me yours. Given that most men won’t be learning that lesson anytime soon though, I’m here to present you with the tips and tricks of taking the best dick pic for your not-so-lucky lady.
But hey, before we dig much deeper into what makes a good dick pic, I think it’s important that we drop some ground rules. And the ground rules are:
1. Get consent.
That’s it. That’s all. That’s the only rule. Somehow, many men still don’t follow it. Y’all want to know what an unsolicited dick pic does for women? Absolutely nothing. Consent is sexy. And given that unsolicited dick pics aren’t consensual, they’re definitely not sexy. So to all the people with penises out there: If we don’t ask to see your dick, don’t show us your dick. Simple as that.
Unfortunately, as nearly all women know, solicited and consensual dick pics make up about 1% of all the dick pics we receive. Regardless, I think the 1% deserve a fighting chance. Who doesn’t love an underdog? In the paraphrased words of Tyra, “We’re rooting for you, we’re all rooting for you!”
To the one-percenters out there, the advice is simple: Good lighting, decent angles, a little bit of grooming, and a clean background can go a long way. Oh, and for the love of God, please make sure your dick isn’t flaccid (Why? why do I even need to say this? Y’all don’t even want to know.) Are you insecure about your dick? Is the head too big? The shaft too curved? The whole thing a little too veiny? Don’t even worry about it. We literally don’t care, and if we do, it’s likely because we’re excited to see something different and unique anyway!
Oh, and to the women reading this, be warned. Although I stand by these tips and tricks because they often lead to some very artistic and beautiful dick pics, they can also lead to some extremely misleading ones too. For example, about a year ago, I met a guy online who was a former cinematographer. So trust me when I say, he had all the tips and tricks down. Lighting? Check. Angles? Check. Decent grooming? Check. Clean background? Check. And check it out, he wasn’t even flaccid! Swoon! Who was this man? Had I finally found my soulmate (…or at the very least, my dickmate)? HELL NO. Because when I finally saw it in person, all I could think was “Can someone please get Nev and Kamie up in here because my dumbass has been CATFISHED.” Nevertheless, it was all consensual so I’m not even mad about it. Plus, it wasn’t totally his fault, that iPhone camera is a miracle worker.
Anyways, too sum it all up, regardless of how I feel about them personally, dick pics are here to stay. Let’s just keep them consensual and classy so we can make the whole experience a little more enjoyable for all involved. Okay, men? When you think about it, it’s not really that hard, is it? 😉
This is a safe, fun, and nonjudgmental space… use it for those purposes! LIKE, COMMENT, SUBSCRIBE, and SHARE! If you would like to reach out, email theconfidentlyawkward@gmail.com. But until next time peeps continue to be CONFIDENTLY AWKWARD!
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