Digi-Thot: A Man’s Perspective On Online Dating

Relationships / October 9, 2021 / 127 Comments

I’m often better with writing than I am speaking but this one was a little difficult. Being the first male voice on this site is big for me. Something about speaking for all men adds a world of pressure. I mean, for a bulk of my life I would feel offended whenever someone said “Niggas ain’t shit” or “I hate all men”. I vividly remember hearing No Scrubs for the first time and telling my mom I had to quit school to get a job and my own car or I’ll lose LeftEye forever. I was 9! This is some personal shit here but I’ll try to keep it as objective as I can.

Dating is hard. I think we have all kind of gotten used to idea of it, but it sucks. You’re putting yourself out there like a job interview except everything is on the table. Physical, emotional, sexual, past, present, it’s all being judged. It’s all being weighed until a better candidate comes along or sadly, the right Beyonce or Future song changes the perspective of your gender. Add the internet to this and dating becomes unpredictable.

I’m not talking about catfish, even though that’s a very real issue, but just the way people present themselves. Someone’s online presence is usually indicative of who they want the world to see and what gains them the most attention or positive feedback. Much like a job interview, we all might change the verbiage of our resume or lie a little bit to land the gig. Or some of us might downplay what we are really capable of because we believe this is the best option available. We see this all the time, even though we may not always think of it. There are the people that show off their bodies for likes, the ones that spend hours picking an outfit and a pose just to say they’re “caught off guard looking bummy”or the ones that have never been called anything but gorgeous, yet they tell the world they’re ugly because they need someone, somewhere to compliment them. When the internet and dating collides it brings all of this to the forefront.

We feel protected by the image of ourselves we’ve put on display but that shield of insecurities is heavy. It weighs on the weak soldier of self love and self understanding. The minute someone sees pass that barrier and onto our insecurities we are back online swiping or posting to build up that shield. We all know when women are single because the thirst traps start to drop and they’re always outside. Online dating is fun and can lead to a lasting future with someone but only if we work on strengthening ourselves instead of how social media grades us. Take the time to be real, not just who you think people want. If you’re the genuine YOU then it’s a better chance you’ll get what you want in life, be it a relationship or just a nut.

Here’s the part where I get personal… your boy has definitely gotten into a few online dates. Some have been great while most have been a mess, a hot mess as Brittani would say. I’ll highlight a few things that catch my attention when online and how some things just ain’t it.

1. Visuals – now this is online and we all know our angles but some women take it to extremes. The overly filtered, only overhead or straight up photoshopped photos are a dub. Now I don’t expect you to post your worst possible selfie but don’t face swap Rihanna and expect me to believe that’s you. I’ve seen all the fashion nova shorties on the gram, you not fooling nobody. One girl I matched with straight up confused me. All of her pics looked like she was about 5’2 and thick. Not Lizzo thick but like a Doja Cat thick. Anyway, she shows up and this girl is far from her photos. We’re almost the same height and she wobbled due to her size. She went from Tabria Majors to Warren Sapp once she stepped out the car. I do a little art so my eyes catch details, I stood there stuck, just patching together how her pics could even be accurate. I’m seeing if the eyes, the nose and lips matched but the rest of her face and body didn’t. My face is super descriptive so we both knew I was uneasy so I just came out and asked. She went on to tell me that’s why she doesn’t use social media much because she’s been bullied and called a catfish. I continued with the date because nobody should feel bad about themselves and I won’t be the one to do it but no lie, I felt like Will Smith in that one episode of fresh prince! “I’m stuck in a basement sitting on a tricycle, girl getting on my nerves. Going out of my mind I thought she was fine, don’t know if her body is her’s.” This isn’t shaming any body types because I love them all, anyone that knows me will be quick to tell you that, but this was some witchcraft, Kardashian shit. Til this day I can’t understand how she did it but I always check for tagged photos on all socials before meeting anyone. TIL THIS DAY!

Side note: don’t post a group photo. If your friend is the one that catches someone’s eye, you’ll end up as a homegirl to help him get her. Your dating profile should be about you, don’t make me wonder who the baddie with the tongue ring and the daddy issues is. If you’re the one taking the pic or you’re not the focal point then save it for Instagram or Facebook. Do not use it for a dating app.

2. Bios – going back to what I wrote before, present your genuine self. Put your real interests and intentions. Whatever you write I will take it as an indication of how our conversations will be. I’ve seen grown women put “chasing da bag” as an occupation or “whea da money reside”. I understand that it’s funny, trust me I’m laughing, but also understand that it may dictate the type of person you attract or how serious you’re taken. Some women are gorgeous but don’t understand why they keep attracting a Boosie instead of a Michael B. The bio could be the reason. Kevin Samuels isn’t everyone’s favorite relationship expert but if you listen to his perspectives on high class women meeting high earning men then that may help with online dating. You’re probably thinking “See, another ain’t shit nigga” but hear me out. A lot of what he says is shunned because it is superficial. How can you judge who a woman will be with based on her income or dress size? Online dating is superficial af. You judge people off their looks, occupation and sometimes what they think of themselves. Understand the shallow so you can navigate the deep. (I just made that up but tell me I’m not on my Yoda lol)

3. Money – sex work is real work but unless you’re a sex worker and accepting of the lifestyle associated with it, then don’t put your cashapp info out to the public. Onlyfans and stripper friends have made it cool to do this stuff but that’s to facilitate the normalization of sex work. Some people make a living off of it and don’t need you making their real work seem trivial. Telling men to send a deposit as a form of greeting just makes you seem cheap and a burden. As if your hands will always be out and any feelings you have may come with a price tag. I’m sure I will be corrected if I’m wrong, the comment section has no chill lol, but I’ve never seen dancers do all this on a personal page. Not even porn shorties do that on a personal page. It’s always a separate entity with a stage name to keep their real life protected. To keep their real relationships separate. Try to know people before you know their pockets and have your own finances already in order. Men never have an issue with adding to their partners but that’s completely different than just hand outs. If you’re looking to date someone then put yourself out there. If you’re looking to make some money then put your pussy on live, I give you a thousand dollars!

4. Sex – I’ll just wrap it up after this because I feel like I’ve written more than enough and if you readers are anything like Brittani then you’re here for the “tea”. There are some people that use dating apps to find friends or a relationship. There are a lot more people that use dating apps to find friends with benefits and a nut. Read it again. Women being upfront about their desires is amazing, please communicate! But it can sometimes be off-putting. Ladies, I know you’ve all had men try to get at you with some nasty ass comment. Regardless of how attractive you thought he was, it made you look at him different. That is similar for men. We have been flawed with holding onto this idea of who someone is and anything that shifts that becomes a shock. Delivery is everything and communicating the rules or expectations only solidifies that nobody gets hurt. Emotionally hurt or any of that itchy scratchy.

I once caught myself in a sexual relationship with an older woman. Not old old but older. She was upfront about it at our first date and told me she’s in an open relationship. She detailed how they love each other and have been together for a decade but she won’t ever be sexually committed. I took it as bs, mostly because I was a little tipsy and treated her as a friend. After that we’d go out and just vibe. I’d drink and flirt with girls and she’d tell me the girls she liked and would flirt too. She was mad chill. One time we went out and drank way too much on both ends. We ended up back at my place watching TV and drinking water until we sobered up enough for her to drive home without her husband getting upset. She wanted to smoke and I hate the smell of all smoke so I told her just go outside. She comes back and her clothes smell like a loud pack. My eyes are watering it’s so strong. I tease her about it and start spraying her with febreeze. Yes, I’m that serious about smells in my place. Next thing she’s stripping out of her clothes and jumping on me. That was the first time we slept together and every time after that we’d plan to get food or drinks and she’d end up soaking my sheets. Pretty soon she’d come to me after work or on her lunch break. We both understood what it was and since we were friends beforehand, I kind of knew more about how she really felt about herself and sex. I think that’s why things shifted but one night we’re having sex, she’s about to climax for the third time and she says “I love you”. It was a little shocking but again, I take it as bs, just sex talk. The next time we get together she says it again and again. She pulls up after work to link but I’m not trying to have sex. I think I was still adjusting to the smiley faced racism of the Midwest so I was caught between being angry and sad. She crawls into bed and just holds me and comforts me while I watched TV. Before I knew it, it was 10pm and her phone kept ringing. Call after call after call but she’s ignoring it to hold me. I tell her to pick it up and she says it’s her husband. She answers with, “Why are you calling me? I told you I’m with Rel.” I can hear the man say that he was worried about her then she proceeds to hang up on him. If your jaw isn’t on the floor right now then you’re better than me because I was stunned. Never in my life have I experienced that. PINEAPPLES! I was not ready. I asked her why she did it and she said “Where I am isn’t his concern. He knows I’m here with you and when you’re done with me I’ll be home. He’s not daddy, you are “. Long story short things ended between us because it was too much responsibility for me. Even after we stopped sleeping together she’d go out on trips with her friends, pick up a guy then FaceTime me while she masturbated in bed after the guy didn’t satisfy her. Like the dude would be there trying to touch her and she’d slap his hand away. So basically, sex is a desire we all have and as long as things are mutually beneficial then it’ll be great. But if you’re not fucking like I’m fucking, you can get the fuck out.

If you made it this far then good looks. I really appreciate you reading my Brooklyn bullshit. I’m about to play some TLC and wait for these comments to drop lol Be blessed and remember, beast boys got no behavior – Beastboy_Relly

This is a safe, fun, and nonjudgmental space… use it for those purposes! LIKE, COMMENT, SUBSCRIBE, and SHARE! If you would like to reach out, email theconfidentlyawkward@gmail.com. But until next time peeps continue to be CONFIDENTLY AWKWARD!

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